


Fake Happy

by MusicLover6661



Category: Avenged Sevenfold
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2019-02-07 12:16:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12840990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MusicLover6661/pseuds/MusicLover6661
Summary: there will be an epilogue!  but honestly this has been one of the best things i think i've ever writtenit made me laugh, cry, and damn well broke my heart a fuck ton





	1. Chapter 1

After the day I had, all I had wanted to do was curl up in my bed and just sleep for the next few days. It would honestly be the only positive solution to everything that was going on at this point. Recording was going way slower than anyone anticipated, we had only successfully recorded maybe four songs. And Matt was ready to rip off anyone's head who tried to tell him what we should possibly do to help speed things up. It was decided to just take an early day and go home so everyone could cool off and start fresh tomorrow. When I pulled into my driveway I noticed another car was parked behind my girlfriends I didn't recognize. Maybe it was her sisters new car, Matt did mention Val had decided to get a new car since hers was breaking down constantly.

I shut off my car and went inside only to be met with a sight I hoped I would never witness, Michelle was on the couch with some guy on top of her. Were they fucking serious? I slammed the door loudly and watched both of them jump up quickly. Michelle's eyes were bugging out of her head, while the guy she was just fucking on my couch looked extremely embarrassed.

“Get out, you can tell your sister why your shit is out on the lawn tonight too” I clenched my fists and glared as they both quickly got dressed.  
“Brian I'm so sorry, this isn't what it looked like” She walked over to me once she was dressed, her hair was still a mess.  
“Really? Because it looked like you and pretty boy over here were trying to make a baby on my couch” I kept my hands by my side in fear I would do something irrational. I didn't need to go to jail tonight.  
“You're just gone all the time! I got lonely” Oh so that was going to be her excuse? That I was gone all the time?  
“I'm recording an album, and you didn't seem to care for the last one” I crossed my arms over my chest and ground my teeth together. Keep it together Brian.  
“Because you actually spent time with me then, you're always at the studio, or with Johnny” The way she said his name is what threw me over the edge. She never did like my friends and it always put me off.  
“Get the fuck out, now” I was done, there was never going to be a second chance.

The guy she was with grabbed a few of her things and left, I would pack everything else and give it to Val so I didn't have to see her anymore. How could she use such a lame excuse to cheat? We had been together for years, and she tries to claim I'm gone all the time? Hell she was gone more often than I was, and then had the nerve to complain she never saw me. 

Sighing softly I started on my quest to pack up the rest of her shit, the sooner I could just get this done and over with the better. I put her clothes into bags, her jewelry into boxes so she didn't go apeshit on me. I texted Val to have her come pick up everything, because as much as I wanted to just trash her shit, I didn't want that on my conscious. Once everything was packed and ready to be out of my house permanently, I made myself a drink. My phone had been going off nonstop since I got home, it was most likely one of the guys asking if I wanted to go to the bar. Although the free drinks sounded awfully nice, it wouldn't be nice to rack up a bill that high.

“I'm here to take her things, I won't be long” Val had already started picking up a few of the bags.  
“Let me help at least” I picked up the remaining bags and hauled them out to her small car, I'm sure Matt was going to drill her with questions when she got home.  
“You always deserved better, I don't see how she could do something so selfish and cruel” Val set the bags into the trunk, shaking her head slightly.  
“She said I wasn't home enough” I knew Val would understand where I was coming from, she had always been through the ringer with us. I just think Michelle got jealous when Val would be allowed to come on tour with us, while she had to stay at home.  
“Oh that's a load of shit” She rolled her eyes and slammed the trunk shut.  
“I'll see you later, you can tell Matt the truth” I hugged her and said a quick goodbye before I went back inside. 

I was going to enjoy my glass of whiskey and just forget all of this ever happened.

~~~ 

“Brian! Dude it's been almost a week, please let me inside” Matt was banging on my front door. I could barely lift my head off the couch due to my extreme hangover.  
“Just go home please, I don't want to talk” I held my head tight and groaned. The nausea was the worst part of everything right now.  
“I'll call Johnny over, you know he'll use his key to come inside” Matt had me by the balls, if I didn't get up and let him inside myself he'd call for backup.

I contemplated my options for a couple minutes, before I could give Matt an answer he had already called Johnny who was most likely on his way over. Definitely not the best start to my day, I was hoping to at least have gotten a shower before I had to deal with anyone.

I rolled my eyes and sat up slowly, I'd hop in the shower and make Matt wait to come inside since he didn't really give me an option. The house was silent as I made my way to the bathroom, even the waves were calm. It had an eery quality to it, as if I was in a horror film and the killer was about to jump out and kill me. I turned to face the shower before stripping my clothes, this isn't how things were supposed to go. She was supposed to be miserable without me, but it felt wrong without someone in the house now. I washed up as best as I could with my head still pounding and shaved the stubble on my face.

The front door opening alerted me that Johnny had now arrived which meant Matt was very close behind. Time to face the consequences of being a shut in for a week.

“Hey guys” I pulled on my shirt as I entered the living room. Matt could barely make eye contact, and Johnny looked absolutely devastated.  
“Hey man, how're things?” Johnny had plopped himself on my couch, or what I should call my bed for the last week.  
“I'm doing better, finally showered” I gestured to my wet hair and smiled as Matt grimaced. He knew how much I hated being dirty.  
“We're really sorry about not coming by sooner, she shouldn't of said what she did” That caught me off guard, first she cheats and now she's telling people lies?  
“What do you mean?” I walked closer and raised my eyebrow.  
“Oh, well she told everyone you went off the deep end and started doing coke again. Why do you think Jimmy hasn't called you?” All I could see was red, she lied so that she wouldn't look like the bad person in this situation. She used my old habits against me.  
“Are you fucking kidding me!? Where is she?! I'll fucking kill her!” I wanted nothing more in that moment than to find her and tear her to pieces, how could she go so low.

Matt was up instantly from the chair, Johnny wrapped his arms around my waist to keep me from going after my keys. She needed to have her ass kicked for the shit she was pulling, you can cheat on me but don't you dare tarnish my name because you're an asshole. I shoved Johnny away and went over to my phone, there was a missed call from Val. Oh good. I'm sure Michelle got to tell her all the nasty lies and assured her that I was indeed a fucking cokehead again. I pressed call and waited for her to answer.

“Brian, please don't do anything reckless I am begging you” Val sounded panicked, as if she knew what I had just been told.  
“How could your cunt of a sister do that to me?!” I was crossing a bridge I could burn in mere seconds, but I just didn't care.  
“She didn't want people to find out she cheated, and since you haven't spoken to anyone she saw the opportunity and ran with it, if I had known sooner I would've stopped her” Val spoke with such authority that I startled me. It still didn't matter, she knew before I had, and did nothing to stop her from spreading the news.  
“You know Jimmy hasn't called me right? Because Michelle already got to him, so he probably believed her that I'm doing coke again” I ground my teeth together and glared back at Johnny and Matt. They could've called our friends to tell them the truth.  
“I already talked to him, he should be stopping by with Zack. Is Johnny there yet?” I furrowed my brows, how would she know Johnny's here, unless Matt told her.  
“Yeah he is, why?” I asked skeptically.  
“Oh, there's just something I have to tell you in private is all” She was avoiding the subject.

I rolled my eyes and sat down at the island in the kitchen. I was debating on making some coffee to help ease my headache.

“Don't do this to me Val, I can't take anymore surprises” I just wanted the truth from everyone.  
“Do not tell anyone I told you this, but Johnny broke up with his fiance” My eyes widened at that, why would that be important to me though?  
“What? Why?” I asked, Johnny was watching me closely from the living room.  
“He found out the same thing you did, same guy too” My heart sank at that, his fiance was cheating on him with the same guy Michelle was with.  
“Guess they like to share” I chuckled slightly and rubbed my face. I knew it wasn't my place to poke fun.  
“He's actually been really upset because of it, surprised he didn't text you” Well I was just as bad by not texting him either.  
“We just needed some time, it'll all work out in the long run” I could hear Val's soft sigh, there was something she was hiding from me.  
“I know it will, you two are like peas in a pod” I nodded and watched as Jimmy and Zack arrived.  
“I'll talk to you later” I hung up before she could say goodbye and went into the living room.

Jimmy's shoulders were tense, he was watching my body language very closely, he wanted to see if I was back on drugs or not.

“She was mad I kicked her out because she cheated, you need to talk to me first” I looked at Jimmy and smiled at the relief that crossed his face.  
“Good, because you promised me last time you'd quit for good” Jimmy walked over and hugged me tight. I wrapped my arms around his waist and smiled.

I didn't need to prove to anyone that I wasn't a drug addict, the ones close to me would know the truth.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been Jimmy's idea to go to the strip club, I would've preferred to stay indoors where I couldn't get myself into any trouble. But you just couldn't tell him no, he'd pout until you gave in and then shower you with love as a thank you. He was definitely the weirdest one out of all of us. Which is what led me to a private room with a woman named Star. She had on way too much gloss for the blowjob she was currently trying to give me. Hell I wasn't even turned on anymore but she was determined to help get me off. 

I decided to let my mind wander to let my mind wander to help see if I could get this to end sooner. Michelle popped into my head first, but the thought put a sour taste in my mouth. That would've just made things way worse than they already were. I started to think other women but nothing was really working, and then my mind wandered to when the guys and I all went swimming at Matt's. I couldn't stop staring at Johnny that entire day, and it was no big deal to my friends or family that I was into dudes and women. But it started a fire deep in my chest. All I could see was Johnny on his knees, his lips wrapped around my cock while he sucked like a champ. Moaning each time he got my cock all the way in his throat, trying his best not to choke.

Fuck, the thought of watching him worship my cock nearly had me cum right then and there, have him begging for it the whole time.

“Fuck, Johnny” I groaned softly as I came, the stripper sat back on her heels and fixed her gloss before she stood up. Her eyebrow was raised slightly. I really hoped she didn't hear me moan his name.  
“Here” I took out a few bills and handed them to her, hopefully she'd stay quiet.

I fixed myself up and went back out to where everyone else was, Zack and Jimmy were both wasted beyond belief. But Johnny was watching me as I walked over and sat down, he couldn't of been dumb enough to assume that I was just getting a lap dance. He always knew better than that, he had dirt on anyone who crossed him and would release it without a second thought.

“Feel better at all?” He held out a beer for me to take, my assumptions were correct.  
“Much, too much gloss though” I glanced over to where Star was and frowned. She should've gotten some other poor sap to suck off that would've actually enjoyed it. Not someone who had to fantasize about their goddamn friend.  
“There usually is, I mean if you're really desperate you find one that's willing to fuck” There was a spark in his eyes as he talked. Like he was trying to tell me something without saying it outright.  
“Too bad they're not what I'm looking for” I sipped my beer and kept my eyes forward. He could interpret that any way he wanted.  
“It's too bad for them” Johnny said with a small smile.

So he was either alluding to exactly what I thought, or he was making fun of me. He wasn't drunk though, there was no way in a thousand years that he was flirting with me. He'd had Zack do it before as a dare, which ended with him getting his ass kicked.

“Come on guys, Val's got food waiting for us at my house” Matt stood up and pulled on his jacket, at least we wouldn't have to worry about where we'd be sleeping.

Everyone left and piled into Matt's truck, I rested my head against the seat and let myself daydream. They were all of Johnny and I in bed, whether it be cuddling and enjoying time together, or me fucking him into the mattress. The thoughts were slowly making me hard, which would've been fine if I was home alone, but with Zack and Johnny sitting right next to me. It wasn't that easy to hide everything. I tried shifting myself to make my pants bunch up to hide it.

Johnny glanced down at my crotch and smirked, he knew exactly what I was trying to do. Except he probably didn't know he was the reason I was trying to do all of this. He'd probably call me a perv if I told him I had the hots for him. It just seemed so random, why would I start thinking of him differently now? We had known him since we were all kids ourselves. And nothing besides the bands fame growing had really changed. Sure, we stopped doing drugs and cleaned ourselves up, but that was it. I mean yeah we saw each other naked more times than I could count, but that's what happens when you're confined to a bus for months at a time. He had made jokes about how big I compared to Zack, or Jimmy, but nothing ever serious.

And maybe I thought about him while I jerked off before, but I can truly confirm it was nothing serious! He was my friend for heavens sake. It would end up crashing and burning before it really had a chance to start, not that I was going to let it happen. I'd just push this silly little crush to the back of my mind until it went away completely and then move on with my life.

“You know, you keep staring at my dick you're gonna have to buy me dinner first” I snapped out of my little day dream and blushed a deep crimson as I watched Johnny's smirk grow.  
“No it's-I mean really-I was just lost in thought” I could barely form words, how could I be so stupid?  
“Don't worry, no one else saw you eyeballing my dick” When Johnny winked I felt my heart stop, I was definitely fucked.

No one batted an eye when Johnny and I walked in over ten minutes later than everyone else. He used the age old excuse of “oh we were just smoking some butts”. If it wouldn't of been awkward I probably would've kissed him. But it was awkward, because he was my friend and my bandmate. And friends don't lust after one another after so long. It just felt wrong, he was a kid compared to all of us.

“Food smells great Val” I went into the kitchen to make myself a plate with Johnny right behind me. He was either going to cause me a mental breakdown, or I was going to kill him.  
“It's a family recipe, I wanted to try it out on Matt but then he said everyone else was coming too” She smiled softly at Matt as he raised an eyebrow at her.  
“Meet me in the bathroom after you're done eating” Johnny's voice was low and gravely, my dick hardened slightly at his words.  
“It's Matt's house, you really wanna do that here?” I made myself a plate of food and looked anywhere but at him.  
“Oh trust me, you'll need it” Before I could ask what he meant, a hand had slid into my jeans and gently squeezed my now fully hard cock.

I bit my lip roughly to hide the moan that tried to escape, how was I going to hide this from everyone else? They'd know something was up if I tried to head home so quick, Jimmy would probably think I was going to get drunk again.

“Just think about my offer” Johnny pulled his hand away and made a plate of food for himself before sauntering into the living room, his hips swaying as he walked.

I took a deep breath and followed behind him. Granted my cock was throbbing, but I would just have to endure it while I ate. It couldn't of been too hard, I had done it plenty of times before.

The conversation flowed easily, and soon enough everyone was making jokes and drinking. I had finished eating a little over ten minutes before I could see Johnny's smile out of the corner of my eye, he was seriously waiting for me.

“Let's play truth or dare” A very drunk, and slightly sloppy, Jimmy said as he held up his beer as if to propose a toast.  
“Dude, that games for teens” Zack rolled his eyes and sipped his beer.   
“Why not? Could make things a little more interesting, but nothing that's going to get anyone killed at least” I screwed my eyes shut, of course Johnny would want to play.  
“Alright, since you're so confident why don't you go first” Matt had propped himself up between Val's legs while she sat on the couch.  
“Alright, I'll do a dare” I could feel sweat running down the back of my neck.

Matt stopped to think for a few seconds before his eyes darkened, a slow evil smile creeping onto his lips.

“I dare you to kiss Brian, a good thirty second tongue kiss” He was doing it because he thought Johnny was straight, not because he knew about what happened in the kitchen.  
“That's so unfair! Why's it gotta be a tongue kiss?” Johnny was protesting, but I could see in his eyes how excited he was.  
“Fine, a minute” Matt chuckled as Val slapped his shoulder playfully.  
“You're a jerk” Johnny mumbled as he scooted closer to me.

I looked at him nervously, I didn't want to seem too into the kiss and be found out that I had the hots for Johnny, but I didn't want them to think I was being rude if I didn't want this to happen. I grabbed his face gently and looked into his eyes, they were wide with anticipation. I took a quick breath and kissed him, there was a fire that burned in the pit of my stomach as we kissed. Burning hotter with each passing second. I could barely feel him clinging to me as he climbed into my lap, our tongues sliding together slowly.

I knew somewhere in my brain that I shouldn't of been enjoying this, should've wanted it to end more than anything. But I couldn't find myself to stop, to even push Johnny away. I wanted to feel every part of him, kiss every inch of his body.

“And time!” Matt yelled, causing both Johnny and I to jump apart quickly. His lips were swollen, his pupils blown wide.  
“Damn gates, didn't realize you had the hots for Johnny boy” Zack snickered, which caused Jimmy to erupt in a boisterous laughter.  
“It was a dare, so relax” Johnny stood up from where he was sitting on my lap and went back to his spot.

Yeah of course, just a stupid little dare. Of course there was nothing between us. I was just horny is all, hadn't gotten laid in a little bit.

The rest of the truths, and dares got more dirty and very personal. Zack and Matt had to streak up and down the street. Val had to answer the door for a delivery man in nothing but her panties and a t shirt. I had to give Matt one of the most awkward lap dances of my life. Zack had to lick chocolate sauce off of Matt but try and be seductive about it. But the truths is where I wanted a hole to swallow me up whole.

“So, who was it that made you realize you like guys too?” Matt asked as he ate another slice of pizza. My cheeks were redder than a tomato at that point.  
“Well if I'm gonna be honest, it was you” I fiddled with my thumbs and watched everyone's jaws drop open. That was the last reaction I wanted.  
“Must've been my good looks” Matt laughed out, at least he didn't seem to mind. I always respected my friends' boundaries. We were all very strict about personal business.  
“Don't get a swelled head now” I sipped my beer and watched Johnny lay back against the couch, his legs splaying open slightly.

I excused myself and ran down to the guest bathroom, which was thankfully downstairs. Once I had the door shut I splashed some cold water onto my face, my dick was still harder than I would prefer. And of course Johnny wasn't helping in the least bit. Him and that cocky smirk of his, and those deep caramel eyes. Stop it Brian, you're only making things worse.

“About time you finally came in here” I felt a shiver run up my spine, why was he doing this to me now?  
“Johnny, they're going to get suspicious as to why you're in here with me” I turned to face him and rested my hands against the tile of the sink.  
“Let them, I don't care” I opened my mouth to protest but groaned as Johnny dropped to his knees and unbuttoned my jeans. His fingers easily pulling open my jeans and pulling them down along with my boxers.

I gripped the counter tighter and moaned as he licked around the head of my cock, precum coating his tongue in a thin layer. He chuckled softly and placed soft kisses up and down my cock, tracing the vein with the tip of his tongue. I gripped my hand in his short cropped hair and pushed myself into his mouth, the warmth engulfing me was intoxicating. He sucked as if his life depended on it, moaning at just the right moments to send vibrations through my entire body. His free hand was squeezing and rubbing with just the right pressure. Before I could warn him I was cumming, moaning his name loudly as I did.

He swallowed everything and stood up as he fixed my boxers and pants. I wasn't sure I had ever come that hard in my life. No one knew how to really get me off.

“Holy shit” I gripped his waist tight and kissed him roughly, he tasted like whiskey and smoke. It was addictive.

I slid my hand down the front of his jeans and relished in the small moans he let out as I rubbed his cock slowly, he was bigger than I remembered for sure. I kissed down his neck slowly and twisted my hand as I squeezed, he was cumming over my knuckles with a soft scream of pure pleasure. I couldn't get over how beautiful he was when he orgasmed. It was the epitome of pleasure, his lips were open slightly as he gasped softly. I pulled my hand away and wiped it on one of the towels that was in the hamper. At least no one would know we made a slight mess.

“Next time, we do this at your house” Johnny said, kissing my cheek lightly before he went back to the living room.

I slumped back against the counter and looked at the now open door that would lead back to my friends. It really hit me then. I was in love.


	3. Chapter 3

And just like that, the rug was pulled out from under my feet. Matt was the one to call and tell me that Johnny had met up with Lacey. They were back together. Of course I hadn't seen him since the incident in Matt's bathroom to top it all off. I got the taste of something different, something that would be considered devious and dangerous. I had shut myself out from the world again, I promised myself I wouldn't pick up any old habits. It was just one little kiss and a blowjob, not like we were in love. And yet all I could do was mope, and drink. I didn't want to do anything else.

I had shut my phone off the phone after the phone call, there was no shadow of a doubt that Matt could hear the slight disappointment in my voice. Of course I tried to sound happy for him, they were going to get married before all the shit went down. But how could I be happy when I wanted that for myself? I was teased with a sliver of happiness only to watch it to crumble. It didn't matter anymore. I could be perfectly happy by myself, I didn't need a boyfriend, or a girlfriend. 

“Be the badass single man I am” I mumbled as I finished my fourth beer, no that is definitely my ninth.

I stood up slowly and ventured into my kitchen, there wasn't much food left in the fridge since I hadn't left in about a week, take out was my new drug of choice. 

“Brian?” I groaned as I heard Johnny's quiet voice on the other side of my front door.  
“Go away, I'm napping” I rubbed my face and sighed.

There was the sound of the door handle jiggling before he was stepping inside, I wanted nothing more in that moment to shove him out of my house. He shut the door and walked into the living room, surveying the beer bottles and empty take out containers. A frown pulled his perfect lips downwards. Stop it! He doesn't deserve it!

“Brian, why haven't you responded to any of my texts? Or anyone's for that matter?” I rolled my eyes and glanced down at my phone that hadn't moved from the place on the coffee table.  
“I'm taking time for myself, is that a problem?” I raised my eyebrow and tensed my shoulders as he stepped closer.  
“It is when it's been almost two weeks since you've said even a 'oh I'm alive'” Had it really been so long?  
“Why should it matter to you anyway? You can go and be happy with your fiance, so get out of my house” I ground my teeth together, I didn't want to get upset.  
“No, not until you at least talk to me” He was nearly in the kitchen with the three steps he took.  
“We just did, now get out of my house!” I turned my body, facing him completely as all the hurt and anger I had been pent up came to the surface.

He jumped back slightly, his eyes wide with what I could only consider fear. If that's what it took to get him away, I would do it. I glared at him, my eyes were watering as he left. Who was I kidding? I couldn't spend the rest of my life alone.

~~~~ 

“Brian, can you tell me why you sought out therapy?” I wrung my hands together and swallowed nervously.  
“Well, I think I might be depressed” It felt wrong to tell someone that wasn't my friends this kind of information.  
“And why do you think that might be?” She was writing as she spoke, most likely taking notes.  
“Well I found my fiance cheating on me, and I feel like I'm completely and utterly alone, all the time” She stopped writing to look at me.  
“That must've been very hard for you, do you have any family, or friends you can talk to?” Oh trust me lady, I tried doing that.  
“I did, but I sort of shut myself off from everyone after an incident a little over a month ago” I sipped the glass of water she had given me. I needed a cigarette so badly right now.  
“What exactly happened?” This was the one thing I wanted to avoid.  
“I sort of hooked up with a friend, a male friend of mine. But he wasn't with his fiance, they had broken up or some stupid shit. And then they got back together and I just sort of spiraled.” Here's to hoping she wasn't homophobic.  
“Was this caused by your friend getting back with his fiance?” Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!  
“Sort of, he had shown interest in me and I thought things were alright but he just stopped talking to me like normal, as if I was just a stranger that helped get him off” I could feel sweat run down the back of my neck. God if word got out about this.  
“So you feel as if he used you for personal reasons, and you wanted more?” She had started to write again.  
“Yes” I licked my lips and frowned.

That was exactly how I felt, like he was trying to test the waters between him and I. And he just suddenly realized I wasn't his cup of tea and took back his fiance. I noticed the therapist handing me a box of tissues, was I crying? I wiped at my cheek and sure enough, two small streaks of wetness. God I really was pathetic if I was crying over him now.

“Tell me, do you have feelings for him?” I hadn't really thought about it, but with how the past month had gone, there was no way I could say no.  
“Yes” I wiped my eyes with a tissue and sat back against the chair.  
“Talk to your friends, start with small talk and let them back into your life slowly. It'll be hard but you should try” Was I ready to let them all back into my life so soon?

I nodded and stood up, I was going to continue having sessions with her just so I wouldn't dump all of my emotions onto my friends and having them be overwhelmed. Sure we had all known each other since we were kids but still, there were some things you just don't tell people.

I walked down to my car with dread filling my chest, I still hadn't turned on my phone in fear that I would get the “Johnny's getting tuxes for his wedding” text. I wasn't ready for it. I couldn't watch him marry someone who was just going to continue to hurt him. As I sat in my car, I turned on my phone and waited. I was flooded with over a hundred texts, there were more from Zack than anyone else. Taking a deep breath I started to weed through them slowly, all of them started with “hello??” followed by the typical, “pick up your fucking phone!”. And then I saw the text I had been dreading with my entire existence. “We're picking out tuxes tomorrow, four pm if you wanna come”.

I wanted to reply so badly, tell him that he was a dumbass for marrying someone who was already cheating on him, that he deserved better. But I couldn't. Why would he listen to someone like me after all I had been doing? Shutting myself off from the world, drinking myself into oblivion. I wasn't the picture perfect person that she was trying to be. I typed a quick message to Zack to let him know I was alive, that I wouldn't be around for a little while and set my phone in the middle console. The less he knew the better.

He called when I was sitting in the parking lot to a liquor store, left a lengthy voicemail that I would mostly likely ignore for as long as possible. I just needed to get away for a few, just really get away where no one could show up unannounced. Maybe work on some chord progressions to help ease the stress. Pfft, heartache was more like it. I turned on the radio and headed out on the road to the highway. They were playing an old Metallica song. I chuckled at the thought of when Zack and I tried to see who could play the hardest Metallica song, everyone had made bets. Zack wasn't a sore loser though, he took it with pride and admitted that I learned faster than him was all. I bought him a bottle of Jack Daniel's as a way of saying “you may have lost, but you're still my friend”.

We got so wasted that night, I ended up passing out on his living room floor. Of course his girlfriend Meaghan didn't find that too fun when she had to find me. Johnny was there too, except he was at least a little smarter than I had been and fell asleep on the couch. Or someone put him there so he wouldn't wake up extremely sore and pissed off. I couldn't be mad at Zack though, he was just as drunk as I was. Johnny had been trying to cuddle me before I passed out too, but I didn't want to. All I wanted to do was drink and party. And so I did.

I looked down at my phone when I stopped at the cabin and noticed there were two new texts from Johnny.  
“Hey, Zack said he tried calling you, but you didn't pick up. Is everything alright?”  
“Change of plans on the tuxes, Matt's going to the in laws with Val so we can't do it tomorrow. Text me when you can” 

My heart was beating out of my chest, don't get your hopes up Brian, he'll just tear your heart out all over again. I typed back a quick text and got out of my car and grabbed my suitcase before I went inside. It felt homey and alone all at once. No one knew I was here and I liked it that way. I went into the den and walked over to the stereo system. Music always knew how to calm me down when I was feeling overwhelmed. I turned on the first song I could think of and cranked it. The bass rumbled the floor. Scream always had been my favorite song off our self titled album, Matt always talked about the groove it had. I'm sure our fans thought we loved playing it live because we sometimes had girls dancing on stage. It was never the girls that got me excited, it was the way Johnny played the song.

I sighed and turned down the stereo to a more calm volume before changing the album entirely. It was a soft song that I used to listen to when I was missing home. I never told any of the guys about it, afraid they'd make fun of me for liking such a girly song. Then again we all listened to some strange bands. I pulled out my phone and called Zack to at least explain myself a little.

“Hello?” Johnny answered instead, I had dialed the correct number, right?  
“Oh, I was trying to talk to Zack” Now I felt like a dick, he knew I was avoiding him.  
“He's in his basement right now, what's up?” His voice shouldn't make me feel this way.  
“Just tell him, I'll be back after I take a hike, he'll know” I hung up before Johnny could ask anymore questions.

Zack and I had little code names for when we didn't want other people to eavesdrop on our conversations. It sounded silly the more I thought about it, but hey it worked. He wouldn't bombard me with texts everyday until I was home, and he would ensure everyone else that I would come back on my own. I went down to the bathroom and stripped off my shirt. My skin wasn't as tan as I liked, I looked sick. Maybe I was, or maybe I was just heartbroken and I didn't know how to deal with it. So I drowned myself in booze. I needed to break that habit before it got me killed. Maybe I could do it before Johnny got married so I wouldn't be drunk at his wedding. That's a hard maybe though.


	4. Chapter 4

I had driven back home that day, I wasn't planning on going to bar but that's where I ended up. Everyone at the bar had been ordering me drink, after drink. I blacked out around the fifth shot, and maybe fourteenth beer. I woke up with an excruciatingly painful headache, and my ass way more sore than I ever hoped it could get. Pushing up slowly, I noticed that I was at least in my own house.

I must've took someone back to my house and had sex with them, there was really no other explanation for the sore ass and bruises on my hips otherwise. There was dried cum stuck to my stomach and chest, definitely going to wash these sheets after I had a nice long shower. I glanced down at my phone and bit my lip softly, maybe I should at least try and talk to Johnny. Even with my feelings aside, he was still my friend. I had to make an effort not to act like an asshole anymore. Before I could even pick up my phone it was ringing, Zack was calling again.

“I was actually just about to call you” I pressed the phone against my ear and laid back down.  
“So, you're back in town? Johnny said he saw you last night at the bar” Zack whispered softly, Johnny must be around him.  
“Yeah, I was going to send him a text a little while ago but I don't know what to say” I winced slightly and rolled onto my back.  
“About that, look can I come over real quick?” Zack asked, he sounded worried.  
“Yeah, just let yourself in” This was going to be a very difficult task.  
“Yeah, I know” Zack hung up, and if he was at his house that gave me about, twenty minutes to shower and get dressed.

I set my phone down and made my very long, and painful journey to the bathroom. The shower helped loosen my muscles and ease the pain in my thighs and back. My ass was going to take a lot more than a shower to help ease the pain. I couldn't stop thinking about what Zack had said, Johnny had seen me at the bar. How did he react to seeing me take someone else home? I wonder if he had gotten jealous and left to go to his cheating whore of his fiance.

“Brian!” I jumped and grabbed a towel to wrap around my waist.  
“I'm upstairs” I wrapped my waist and went over to my bedroom.

Zack's loud footsteps echoed throughout the house, prepare for whatever was going to go down. I pulled on a pair of boxers and sweatpants as Zack walked inside. His horrified gasp pulled me out of my focus, what did he see? I turned to face Zack with a raised eyebrow, his face was pale, his mouth slightly agape.

“Zack, what's wrong?” I set down the towel I used to dry off, he hadn't moved at all.  
“Brian, you're covered in bruises” He walked over and pulled me over to the mirror attached to my dresser, and he was right. My back was littered in black bruises. So maybe I didn't have sex...  
“I don't remember anything from last night, I remember taking a shot and after that it's all black” I gently put my hand on one of the smaller bruises and winced, so that was another reason why I was so sore.

He was quiet for a moment while he looked over my back and stomach, maybe I had just said the wrong thing to someone and they beat my ass. It had happened before.

“Why exactly did you want me to come over here Zack? It's not like Brian even wants-” That voice caused me to whip around and groan at the pain. I was sure he wanted Johnny and I to talk, but not like this.  
“Johnny, can you go wait in his kitchen please?” Zack's voice had an edge to it, as if he was demanding him too, rather than asking.  
“I was hoping you hadn't left with him, I guess he dragged you out” Even though Johnny's voice was low, I could hear him clear as day. So this wasn't the case of me getting my ass kicked.  
“I don't remember anything about last night, and from the looks of it I'm glad” I straightened my back and hissed at the pain that shot up my spine.  
“Jesus Brian, the guy could've fucking killed you” He was frowning, and I wanted nothing more than to comfort him. But I knew it was wrong. That I was the one hurting. Literally.

Everyone was quiet as we all stared at one another, Johnny kept glancing between the mirror where he could see my back more clearly, and me. I just wished this all would end. It felt like a bad dream, rather than waking up and finding out I was...no, it's not rape if you don't know it happened. I was just super drunk is all, and he got a little too rough.

“Brian?” It was Zack talking this time, to break the tension probably.  
“I'm fine, really” I couldn't look at Johnny, or even Zack for that matter.  
“I haven't seen you in months Brian, you're clearly not fine” Johnny stepped closer to where Zack and I were, his hands clenched into fists. Oh so he wanted to start a fight now?  
“I wonder why that is, why don't we just call over all our fucking friends and tell them why I can't function without a drink in my hand!” I couldn't help myself, I was so angry.

Zack looked between Johnny and I, his eyes wide with concern, shock, and an emotion I couldn't quite place.

“I may have called an emergency band meeting, why do you think Johnny's here?” Oh my god, please tell me he was joking.  
“Zack” I could hear the fear in my voice, we rarely called emergency band meetings, unless it was something extremely serious.  
“You've been gone for so long Brian, we were getting worried, and things don't seem to be that healthy anyway” My heart sunk at that, were they going to get rid of me?

The sound of four pairs of feet caught all of our attention, Matt must've brought Val with him. Who in the world did Jimmy bring? We made our way downstairs to the den where everyone else was, including the one person I was dreading to see. Johnny's fiance. She seemed confused as to why she was here with everyone else since she tended to stay on the outside of things. Johnny walked over and wrapped his arm around her waist, I'd have to keep my back to the wall so no one saw the evidence.

“We all need to talk to you Brian” This was it, they were going to kick me out since I couldn't keep my emotions in check anymore.  
“Matt please” I was pleading, I didn't care how ridiculous I looked at this point. This band was my life.  
“Brian, you've been going off the deep end for what? Two months at this point? And you refuse to talk to any of us about it” Matt didn't understand though, none of them could.  
“I'm seeing a therapist for it, I just can't talk about it here” I was ready to get on my knees and beg him to drop the subject entirely.  
“So you can tell a therapist the problems but not your friends?” I was ready to tear out my hair at this point, he wasn't listening.  
“I can't do it! I don't want to ruin things more than they already are” I could feel my heart breaking as I saw Matt and Jimmy stand up, he wasn't willing to try and understand.  
“I'm sorry, but until you can control your drinking, I think it'd be better if we stopped talking” There was gasps all around the room.

I clenched my hands into fists and steadied my shoulders, I knew I was going to lose everyone either way, might as well go out on the blades of glory.

“I showed interest in Johnny, and he showed it back. But he got back together with his fiance because what happened between us was clearly a mistake. So I drowned my sorrows in whiskey and cried myself to sleep more often than I will ever admit. Hell I was ready to admit to myself that I'm better off alone, and so I came back and got so drunk I blacked out, and someone took advantage of that” I couldn't look at anyone else but Matt, he was the one ready to cut it all off.  
“Zack was the one who saw all my bruises, hell I can't even sit without needing a fucking pillow, who knows what other fucked up shit he did to me while I was blacked out. But go ahead, it's obvious my drinking is too much for our friendship” I could feel my eyes well up with tears that wanted to fall down my cheeks. I just had to be strong enough until everyone left.

Johnny was staring at me wide eyed, his fiance was glaring daggers at him and I both. She knew something was up between us, probably thought it had to do with Michelle's cheating. Val was crying silent tears, her hand over her mouth, opened in shock and pain. Matt opened and closed his mouth a few times, as if trying to find the right words.

“It was never going to happen between you and I Brian, we're only friends” And that is what shattered my heart, Matt looked over at Johnny, his brows furrowed.  
“You made that very clear after you had my dick in your throat” I was going to hurt, and I was taking everyone down with me.  
“I gave you so many signals! You just chose to ignore them!” I narrowed my eyes and clenched my fists tighter.  
“I was the one constantly sending you signals, and yet you would rather choose a woman whose cheated on you at least nine times, Michelle ratted her out to Val so she'd look innocent” Johnny's face went from angry to horrified as he turned to face his fiance.

The den erupted in angry yelling, one accusing the other of not being understanding, Jimmy trying to calm everyone down to no avail. It was going to come down to this one day, it just had to happen because I decided to get drunk and be a total dumbass. Who knows, maybe it won't stop their wedding from happening. He seems pretty content on staying with someone that cheated already.

“Everyone! Calm the fuck down!” Jimmy's voice boomed throughout the den, silencing everyone immediately.  
“Brian is clearly fucking hurting and all you guys can think about is yourselves. He had his heart broken not once, but twice and no one cares about he feels, why don't you actually take a moment and think about why he's done everything he did” I was stunned, Jimmy was always the voice of reason, well him or Val at least.

Johnny's fiance stormed out, throwing the ring in his face as she did. I was sort of expecting him to storm out angrily but whatever floats their boat I guess? Everyone each took a seat once the tension in the air lightened, Zack practically dragged me away from Johnny, demanding he sit by Val to not cause anymore scenes.

“Honestly, we always thought you'd come to us when you were ready, if I had known how serious it was” Matt laced his fingers with Val's and frowned.  
“It was all my fault, you guys were busy living your own lives and didn't need to worry about me acting like a teenage girl, it's fine” In reality, my heart was still in a thousand pieces, Johnny's words ringing through my head as if on repeat.

The rest of the day was spent talking about everything that had happened, the drinking, the morning after I woke up from the bar. Val had rubbed lotion all over my back to help ease some of the pain, of course I had wished it was Johnny the entire time. Even if the asshole was making me miserable.

“I just ordered pizza, let me know when it gets here” Matt set his phone down and jumped right back into the conversation he was having with Zack.

I stood up and walked into the kitchen, my back had eased up a little which was nice. Walking over to the window I looked up at the sky, there were streaks of orange and purple, it felt calming.

“I want to apologize” I looked over my shoulder slowly and shrugged. Val had gotten me a shirt to help hide my back so I wouldn't feel uncomfortable.  
“Nothing to apologize about, I'll live” I rested my forearms against the counter and chuckled softly at the contrast of the marble against my arms.  
“Brian, what I did..you were assaulted by someone because I ran back to Lacey” Even hearing her name made me feel sick.  
“You just wanted something you knew, something comfortable” I stood up and went over to the fridge, I planned to avoid any type of alcohol for at least a month.  
“I hurt you, god I hurt you as bad as Michelle hurt you Bri” The nickname caught me off guard, he hadn't called me that in years.  
“I put myself back together, just like I always do” I grabbed a bottle of water and shut the fridge to face Johnny.  
“You did a shitty job then” Johnny frowned and crossed his arms over his chest.

I sipped my water and debated on either yelling at him or doing something I had wanted to do for months. Setting down my bottle of water I walked over and grabbed his face in my hands, pressing my lips against his in a deep passionate kiss. He didn't hesitate as he kissed back, his lips moving slowly with my own. My heart swelled with joy as we stood in my kitchen kissing. Tears were streaming down my face slowly, I didn't want to be hurt anymore. I just wanted someone to hold me and tell me things would be alright for once.

“Well, looks like you two made up” Matt was standing in the entry way with four pizza boxes. Man could eat a horse if you asked him I swear.  
“It's going to take some work, but I think we can do it” I looked down at Johnny and smiled softly as he blushed, that was definitely a good look for him.

Maybe I would be the reason he would do it more often. Who knows, sometimes it takes your heart to be broken to know what it truly wants.

FIN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there will be an epilogue! but honestly this has been one of the best things i think i've ever written  
> it made me laugh, cry, and damn well broke my heart a fuck ton


	5. Epilogue

Things had been eventful since the day everything went down, Zack had tweeted out something that didn't even hint at Johnny and I being together. But unfortunately someone saw us in public together holding hands and just enjoying each others company. Once word got out that Johnny and I were together there was an uproar, most of our fans didn't really give a shit. Of course there was hate thrown at us by everyone and we just took it in stride. We were happy together and nothing some asshole said was going to change the way I felt. Our families supported us, our friends were happy that we were happy. It was funny seeing the stuff people would write about, Zack said it was fan fiction about us. At first I thought it was a little creepy, but after reading it for a while I started to enjoy it. Granted they got our personality's wrong most of the time, I'm not always that much of an asshole. It's Johnny's job anyway.

“God, all you've been doing since we got home is reading” Johnny set down his coffee and sighed, we had just gotten home from a year long tour. Breaks in between each cycle were never enough.  
“Because they're addictive, you'd know if you actually took the time to read one” I looked over at him and smiled, he hadn't slept much on the plane ride home and had been pissy ever since.  
“I did, and it was weird” Johnny mumbled as he plopped down onto the couch. A soft sigh escaping his lips as he relaxed into the cushions.  
“Fine, come lay with me and you can take a nap while I drink your coffee” Johnny groaned and laid down against me. He may complain a lot, but I know he secretly loved laying against me on the couch.  
“God, I just want to sleep for the next week” I rubbed his back slowly and picked up my phone, he was asleep within thirty seconds.

I chuckled softly and continued reading. He never did well with flying constantly, made him very cranky and exhausted. My phone went off alarming me to a text, probably from Jimmy. I went to my messages and felt my heart skip a beat, it was the jewelers I had ordered a ring from letting me know it was ready for pick up. I had dragged Zack out with me in the middle of the day to pick out an engagement ring for Johnny. He had planned to get one for his girlfriend. I made a joke about doing a joint proposal which resulted in a hard glare from him, I wasn't going to be that selfish.

I dialed Zack's number and hit call, I was sure he was planning on picking up her ring soon. Maybe he could pick up Johnny's for me.

“I already got it for you, it's at my house” Well damn, that was quicker than I expected.  
“Thanks dude, I just didn't know how to do it discreetly, and he's currently asleep on me so moving him is not an option” I looked down and wrinkled my nose at the drool that was pooled on my chest.  
“Meaghan did that to me earlier, so I decided to just take a nap myself. Just let me know when you want me to swing by the ring and I'll be there” Zack's voice trailed off for a few seconds, Meaghan must've been nearby.  
“Tomorrow would be best, that way Johnny and I can catch up on sleep” I yawned and laid my head against the pillows in the corner of the couch.  
“I'll see you then” We bid our goodbyes and hung up. I hadn't realized how tired I actually was until then.

I set my phone's timer for a few hours, I could get some sleep and worry about everything else later. I needed this more than anything right now.

~~~~ 

“How's it feel to be married?” Jimmy and I were drinking on my back porch, we had just gone to the court house and got married there. It felt so much nicer than worrying about an entire wedding.  
“It feels nice, like we're closer now” I sipped my drink and watched pinkly chase after Matt, who was trying to eat his sandwich.  
“I'm glad you're happy dude, I was honestly worried you were going to really go off the deep end” Even though Jimmy didn't say the words, I knew what he was referring to.  
“I'm glad I didn't, but my therapist is still helping me with other things. I used to doubt our relationship in the beginning. Y'know, because of the shit Michelle pulled” I finished my drink and set down my glass. Even if I wanted to hate her, it gave me Johnny. Although I had to go through hell and back more times than I should've.

We had a few friends over to celebrate tying the knot. Our families would find out when we visited for the holidays. But right now was just for us, we deserved it. I watched as Zack and Johnny joked together and felt a smile creep onto my face. I could never get over how truly and madly I was in love with that man. Who knew after thirty six years I'd end up marrying one of my best friends.

“You have that, love sick puppy smile going again” Jimmy could always read me like a book, any emotion I was feeling, he knew what to do to help me feel better.  
“I just can't get over how happy I am Jim, I never felt like this about Michelle” I looked over at him as he raised his eyebrows in surprise.  
“I knew you were serious when you guys got together, but that really confirms it” I shook my head and stood up to go inside to my new husband.

Him and Zack were having a thumb war, or what it looked like they were trying to do was see who could break the others thumb first.

“Zack, we just got married. Try not to break him please” I wrapped my arms around Johnny's waist and kissed his cheek, his cheeks blushing a deep red.  
“He's the one trying to break my thumb, which is the one I strum with by the way” Oh lord I would never hear the end of it if Johnny were to actually break anything.  
“How about we all just sit down and relax for now? It's been a long day anyway” I unwrapped my arms and walked back outside with Johnny and Zack following behind.

Matt had given up and gave some of pinkly the ham from his sandwich, Val was curled into his side with a love high smile on her face as she rubbed her belly. They were expecting a little boy. That was something I hoped Johnny and I could have one day. Who knows what the future held for us, we just had to take it day by day.


End file.
